Although that is a great idea, unfortunately, those plans arent going to work for me as my boyfriend likes to tag along his parents whenever he goes on trips. And I did my bit in the thumbs war on your side! There are no steadfast rules when it comes to spending time with extended family. Explain to him that you value your time together just the two of you and make some suggestion as to how you could spend that time. , silver_dragon_girl What I am saying that the best time to discuss your spending habits is not when the bill is already on the table, or you dont discuss birth control when you are both naked and about to have sex. Id never visit my parents alone while he was in town, but sometimes wed go there for coffee and a meal. The oldest brother, who worked in Belgium a few hours away (and had a nice apartment there) would always, always take the train home as soon as work finished on Friday. I was saying you would know/discuss important things because you are in a relationship, without a business meeting atmosphere. I would focus on how you miss spending time just the two of you, exploring the city, going to your favorite restaurants, etc. He usually wants to go to his parents house every single weekend he gets to come home. I see people post or check in or what ever and I have no idea what it means. That is, if a potential BF invites me to a restaurant, and it is way beyond my price line, I will tell him right then and there, that this would not be my choice, and give an example of one that suits me more. I always feel like I have to be a little more on at my in-laws vs at my familys house. If this has only been going on 3-6 weeks or so she might be just starting to feel the pinch, so it hasnt really come up before this. Laura Hope This is how children are taught. 15 signs he doesnt want to spend time with you 1) Hes always busy Granted, most people are busy these days. For example, my SO knows I would love to adopt one day. Stop getting angry over small unrelated things and tell him what is really bothering you. Isnt that the point of waiting to move in with someone? He usually wants to go to his parents house every single weekend he gets to come home. But whatever you do, LW, dont make this some kind of Choose them or me test. If you dont say anything, how in the hell is he supposed to know anything is wrong? Have you tried just not going? I really do not think that there is any set amount of time a couple should be dating or know each other before moving to the next stage of the relationship. TaraMonster Maybe we are just really suited to each other but there really werent any bumps in the road. June 18, 2014, 11:34 am. Thats why the weekend is an extra time to do everything you didnt get to on weekdays. I asked him all the time if 1. we could have weekends where we spent more time just with each other and 2. maybe even have one every once in awhile where he didnt see his parents, that was just us my argument being that I never got a weekend to relax at home and have him come to mei was always either driving to him or driving an hour out to his parents for the weekend and spending the night and all that. Laura Hope You are certainly not happy when unannounced visitors visit you, and you have a lot of work to do. spending evenings with his parents is one thing but choosing to sleep over there when they are literally down the street seems bizarre unless they are elderly and he is worried about them. Better you learn where things stand now than later down the road if/when he proposes or you get married. Read some of the most popular Dear Wendy posts here. Although it is not mature, your husband chooses to run away from your problems in marriage to be with his family. Listen and dont judge when he tells you why he likes going to his parents and respect his opinion on that. June 18, 2014, 11:03 am. My husband and I will go to a public driving range and a large bucket is $9. I am not asking you to minimize your concerns by any means, again just to caution you about being perceived as making this a me or your family conversation. Its weird. for example, before moving in if you dont have a conversation about how bills are paid, do you just assume that one of you will pay certain ones. NOt exactly like you put it, but yes I believe there are certain things (finances mostly) that def have to be discussed prior to moving in with your SO. Sorry for the cynicism this morningits Friday and I woke up with a head cold. Or go to batting cages. When you talk to your boyfriend about your concerns be careful that it is not perceived as an ultimatum, just that you would like to discuss other options of things to do on the weekend. In many cultures that is the norm. Get out and DO something. WebGo to counseling with your husband. Im not saying its come to that yet, but Im suggesting the LW force her bf to choose if he wont honor her wish to stay home once in a while. Im curious to know where the boyfriend lived before he moved in with the LW. I think a lot of it also has to do with the fact that his job takes him away from both his parents and his girlfriend every week. If the amount of time he spends with his parents is causing an issue in his relationship, then I would say its definitely a problem he needs to address. bluesunday If you dont find the info you need in this column, please visit the Dear Wendy archives or the forums (you can even start your own thread), do a search in the search bar, or submit a question for advice at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com. I never realized it actually made people feel like shit though. If you actually like your partner, there's a chance you'll want to spend Christmas day together. Years later, theyve never recovered. Read some of the most popular Dear Wendy posts here. You accept him as he is or you leave. Say that you enjoy spending time with his parents but you really miss your city weekends, so youd prefer to stay home except for maybe once a month. The only respite I got was working on Sundays occasionally. His lack of action in making his partner a top priority in his life because he prefers spending time with his parents is abnormal. He has a scenario in his head of how they feel hurt, and thats why he has to see them every weekend. January 20, 2012, 11:17 am. June 18, 2014, 11:40 am. Its different than what youre used to, sure, and its maybe not something you would do yourself. When I lived in Paris my host siblings were like that. Some peoples parents are just like that. Explain to your husband that you want to spend time with him on the weekend, not always with his parents. He will come home maybe 1 or 2 days out of the week to spend the evening with me and then legitimately go over to his parents to sleep over and stay there most of his time. I think you guys need to slow this relationship down quite a bit, you guys are going full speed ahead, when you should really just be enjoying the very begining of your relationship together. Say that you were thinking more along the lines of once a month. *If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com and be sure to follow me on Twitter. Oh yeah I forgot about that. Five Steps for Maintaining an Open Relationship, When Do You Know Its Time to Break Up With Someone?, My Daughter is Trying to Ruin My Relationship. and second, maybe have a date night once a weekend or something like that, where you dont have the stress of work/school to think about for the next day. He also has a kid so Im basically competing with so much people. I have been marriend two my husband for five years. WebI've also been in a relationship with Tim for three years. If you split everything while dating, I dont think it is wrong to assume that you will continue doing so once you move in together. That would be great if your husband didnt spend every weekend with his family instead of you. They live in a suburb of New York, where we live, and weve somehow gotten into a routine of spending significant amounts of time at their house nearly every weekend. When we decided it was serious, he introduced me to his mom one weekend, and I introduced him to my parents the next. You mention what you used to do when your were single. Sorry if someone else mentioned this and I didnt see, but it seems as though the boyfriend moved straight from his parents house to with her, right? January 20, 2012, 10:58 am. But, youre not single now. If you have something like, oh, I dont know, a skydiving excursion planned on, say, a Saturday afternoon that hes home, and maybe a float trip on Sunday morning before he leaves, that leaves just a small amount of time for him to see his parents enough for a short visit, but not so much that youre spending 80% of the weekend with them. some of my siblings and their significant others would come only for lunch and head out, sometimes theyd stay longer, etc etc. I mean if youre banging before you move in together surely youve discussed birth control and/or in case of an accidental pregnancy scenarios. Next time your boyfriend says we are going to my folks Saturday, sound good? Say this: Are we going spend every weekend at your parents from now on? Not youre wrong and you have to change. My boyfriend goes to his mom and dads every weekend doesnt think me or my children with him he used to text me all the time and call me he doesnt do that anymore weve been together 3 years and there any place he ever takes me is to the grocery store and back home and he doesnt even hardly touch or kiss or anything anymore I tell him I love him all the time hell tell me back but I feel that he just tells me because he doesnt want it to hurt me. Copyright 2023 Dear Wendy. Thats on you. So say to your boyfriend: I dont want to spend weekend nights at [your parents] place more often than maybe once a month, even if we dont have anything else planned. How is this difficult? ReginaRey Im not saying get all this stuff figured out in one convo, im saying by the time you move in together you should know most of these things about the other person and you should fill in the blanks on ALL of them moving in together. . He has 3 sons two who are 26 (act like Theres a LOT more to this story than meets the eye, and I suspect that the LW and her boyfriend are very different people with very different priorities, and who have both been blinded to these differences by the hot glow of lurve. Yeah, money is always touchier than anything else. Also, let him know that the paying for tickets to the suburbs is expensive for you, so ask if he would be willing to limit the number of times that you go to visit his parents (say once a month). There is so, so much you can do with your boyfriend LW! All Im saying is be careful. Im also curious about how far away the parents live. Im nearly at my wits end because its causing me to get upset with him over fairly trivial things. Visiting families and spending time with siblings takes up much time in a marriage. Alone time doesnt have to be at home (even if its sex wink wink), and if youre not there, they cant drop by! January 20, 2012, 11:41 am. It doesnt have to be the way you make it out to be though. Once that ebbs a little, I predict things are going to get problematic. It would be a waste to find someone you genuinely enjoy spending time with, only to lose the chance to be with them because of your lack of awareness or an inability Wendy has said she works 2 weeks or so in the future, which means she likely got this letter about two weeks ago which was right after a bunch of holidays! If money is tight, you dont even have to plan expensive excursions. The parents, being in a position of power, are influencing their adult children by complying to this routine or set up. If I say Im ready to get home on one of those nights, his dad always makes a comment trying to make me feel guilty for leaving even if weve spent the entire day there. Thats an attempt at emotional manipulation and its not healthy. He even startedtalking badly about your family, and you feel he wants to distance you from them. ), and just talk about the big issues in general money, social life, work, goals, values, etc. But dont punish him for having parents close by, ts nobodys fault. You are asking how you can change him and his feelings on this and get him to grow up. ReginaRey Husband says we will spend Christmasses together when we have our own family. Also, make plans with friends. Michelle However, we spend 80% of the time hes home at the parents house. You want to avoid jumping to conclusions and coming off as the bad guy. She should say something about it to the BF at least. Just the fact that his mom is dropping by unannounced makes me uncomfortable, considering the current state of the world. It can still have a lot of randomness to it, but be bookended by specific activities. So if you feel your husband growing distant, and you realize he hasnt said I love you in a long time, it could be because hes wrestling with feeling like he doesnt want you around. In other words, its a big sign he doesnt want to spend time with you. Heres a look at the 5 big stages successful relationships have to go through. When family is in town, we spend almost every waking minute visiting. That's a tricky one as this issue must have crossed your mind when you married someone whose family is in another country - you Now that they are obviously not, it is definitely time for some conversation. In all fairness- he probably has no idea this Irks LW so much. Parents get old and die. Anonymousse But I think what struck me is how little they seemed to have discuss things social preferences, money, etc. No, spending 1 or 2 weekends with the parents or your boyfriends isnt that many, but it is, if you dont get to see your boyfriend at all in between these times. June 18, 2014, 12:32 pm. 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